I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
