the condom got lost in my hair
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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