I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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