if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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