I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
