My nipple is on Facebook.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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