Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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