My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
