i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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