I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
