I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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