I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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