So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Randomize
