dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
