I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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