The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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