How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
