she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
