We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
