East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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