So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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