So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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