when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
