I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
