Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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