i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
