Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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