doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
