I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
