How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
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