I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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