i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
