so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
