note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
