Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
