So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just forgot I was standing up.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
