just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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