I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize