he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
