My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
