omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
