Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
