No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
