can we get nightvision for the apartment?
well you can't waste a boner
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
