I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
