I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
