dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
