im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
