honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
