is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
