Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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