Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
