Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
