I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
