When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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