i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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