It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The air was thick with penises
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
