She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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